Michelle, Mea, Sak-J (to One button)

its getting sad. its getting lonely. its so easy to want to turn around.
i wont do it. i wont run back to what i ran from so many times.
this is the chance for me to stand taller than before.
i have to stand up and show that i CAN move on.
I have to prove that i DID make the right decision.
I have to show that i AM doing this for myself.
and i WILL be happy.

i will be happy.

oh please, let me find happiness in myself really really soon so that i can be truly happy with people around me.
That's all i want.

<3 mea

ps. i dont want to wake up in the morning like i did today. my phone will only answer if its good news.

Again... im more passionate about some songs than i am about my own life, nothing unusual here.

Driving back to school on Monday morning I heard a song that made me cry... I sang it as if I had heard it every day for the last 21 years. Now i keep asking myself... "What goes on in your heart, on in your mind?" I like thinking about this because i never had the answer, and i dont see it in the near future.

At this age, what takes priority, the heart or the mind? Which is more bold? I have been known to love and love to hate. So what should really be thought of me? I suppose it's unfortunate that I can't distinguish the fine line that lies deep between our two most intense organs, but should I?

I say, keep your heart in one place and your mind far far away. They are most likely eachothers worst enemies and will probably attempt to take one another out.... because there is just no room for love and reason.  So lets love like its going out of style... and make sense of it all later. 

While most people wont have problems mastering this... Ill be in the back trying really really hard.

 I want to write again i want to write again i want to write again i want to write again i want to write again i want to write again i want to write again.

this is serious. YOU (the many) have inspired me to write. so i will.

and as i said...

me: i dont consider us friends. and i think we're beyond the point of casual "hellos"
HE said: so what do you consider us
i said: no title
and then i said: just the past
his response, not surprising: nothing... he didnt say anything.

i am v. serious when i say that i meant every word above. and below.

i wont rant about how/when you broke me... you dont deserve to hear my beautiful version. but what i will ask is when do you think you'll ever be able to make your closing statement? im too strong now to fall back into place... so i can handle it whenever you're ready. your criticism means nothing... your intelligence is too false for me to respect... your stories are limited to experiences youve only watched/read/or heard about... you lack ambition... to a stranger you are full of confidence, maybe even too much... but anyone who knows you will most likely agree that you, like a child, are afraid of such great things... you dont know what love is... especially not lovemaking... your role as the young, humble, broke, intelligent writer with the many lovers is, well, obviously a bluff.

so continue to feed off the young and the meak... steal their love and breathe it in. rape them so youll always have control. and throw their sad bodies away when you have swallowed the last bit of soul they have. someone else will find them and be stuck with the burden of nursing them back to health. and when youre really sick... find one from the past and get high off her for one last time. this way she will always feel like you really need her. she would love to help you, the broke, young, promising, lover that you are. make sure thats the last time though.... anything after that might be damaging to her life. so spare her that, if you care at all.

and i always thought you were "absolutely amazing". in oh so many ways.

 

my head is thumping and there are only a few people who can take care of me at times like these.

So im calling out to...

• Remi and Katherine (bring LOTR and some meds)..
• Ted.. because he's done it so many times
• Tessa... please bring drugs
• Mom
• Dad
• Period.

please help soon. and if you think you can stand up to the above people.. by all means come over here and HOLD MY HAND!

i overuse the "..." and i know it. i dont plan on changing that.
i usually only drink martini's, particularly dirty or french.
i hate how open i am with strangers, i get stuck with a lot of random friends.
i hate talking on the phone before 9 pm. but after that I could talk for HOURS!
its not that i have my priorities out of order... i just dont know what they are.
i really miss reading good books, but im not sure why i dont do it anymore.
i rarely drink... but when i do, I DO!
i suffer from stomach aches and headaches frequently. i just dont know why.
i consider myself to be stressed out far too much.
i dont have any hobbies, and that upsets me.
i dont think i have enough love in my life.
i can cook pretty well, i just dont have anyone to cook for.
i talk to my plants, sometimes i hug them.
i really like cats, and i've raised one hell of a cat. she kills big rabbits, thats not normal is it?
im a very affectionate person.
i like to watch scary movies but only in good company.
i fall asleep right away on airplanes.
ive said it before, i'm really afraid of mullets.
i feel weird around people that are screwing their lives up... gamblers for example.
i LOVE wearing black shirts with brown heels.
i get lonely very easily.
i love going out for food. I could eat sushi 4 times a day.
i am also known to order BIG burgers, calamari, any type of fish, tomato and mozzarella sandwiches, eggs over easy, soup in a bread bowl, creme brulee, and seafood pasta.
my favorite soda is fresca and ginger ale. everything else takes the back burner.
i dont really like my job, but i dont know what else to do.
i get teary-eyed when i hear that people havent traveled.
i really love children and cant wait to have my own.
my best friends are spread out all over the world.
when i finish my business degree i plan on traveling and serving burgers, unless someone has a better idea.

How many have seen me this way? this is so classy and typical... champagne to the face while giving a thumbs up.

My life is in need of a makeover... and here... is... why...

1. my lj last night... result of drinking and weird thoughts coming from nowhere

2. my convo. with jeremy...

• FeelThaRealDeal (1:38:47 AM): when ya comin back?
  Bunyabunya83 (1:38:56 AM): i have no idea
  Bunyabunya83 (1:39:01 AM): im so fucked up now
  Bunyabunya83 (1:39:04 AM): drunk and emotionally
  Bunyabunya83 (1:39:08 AM): and i miss southern
  Bunyabunya83 (1:39:15 AM): i need you guys and im freaking out
  FeelThaRealDeal (1:39:41 AM): whats wrong
  Bunyabunya83 (1:40:02 AM): i just miss my frineds...
• Bunyabunya83 (1:43:59 AM): i will call you soon
  FeelThaRealDeal (1:44:02 AM): k
  Bunyabunya83 (1:44:08 AM): when i free up and stop drinking
  FeelThaRealDeal (1:44:28 AM): k

3. convo with crystal...

• Bunyabunya83 (1:32:22 AM): I FUCKING HATE IT HERE
  Bunyabunya83 (1:32:25 AM): just visit
  hotmakeoutkids (1:32:25 AM): me too
  hotmakeoutkids (1:32:32 AM): come to atl in 2 weeks when i live there
  Bunyabunya83 (1:32:44 AM): ill take you out and wine and dine you utnil you are puking int he ctoilet
  hotmakeoutkids (1:32:50 AM): lol
  Bunyabunya83 (1:33:00 AM): seriously
  Bunyabunya83 (1:33:15 AM): im gonna start an anti-central pa club
  Bunyabunya83 (1:33:37 AM): i am SOOO FCKING MISERABLE
  i have NO real FRIENDS
  and i miss tjat
  Bunyabunya83 (1:33:41 AM): guys just wanna fuck
  hotmakeoutkids (1:33:45 AM): you have a real friend here
  Bunyabunya83 (1:33:46 AM): and girls just wannt point
  Bunyabunya83 (1:34:07 AM):  i think i should turn into a street fightere
  Bunyabunya83 (1:34:13 AM): and beat ebveryones ASS
  hotmakeoutkids (1:34:21 AM): hahahah lollll

4. response from ted...

• TBow133533 (9:19:55 PM): 'don't feel like getting chewed out for no reason
  TBow133533 (9:19:58 PM): ya know?

5. strangers get me..."any of the dates I mentioned for us to hang out, drink, converse, form a support group, whatever. "

So as a result... i want to lay off the drinking and be honest with myself. i think i am my own worst enemy. that cant be good or healthy. i want to keep in touch with my friends more than i do... maybe Really bring back hand-written mail, be nicer to my bf...

I LOVE YOU LIKE IVE KNOWN YOU!

Stranger... you have me even after many drinks... youre lonely as am i. i think we should rock like rockstars and live like celebs. and maybe love like bff's. please lets meeet oh so soon and turn some city upside down. a good time is in need for both of us. 

so far the best thing we have had are vaca's and they only bring us down bc we are reminded of our lovers.  lets plan a "monumental" weekend and do things that people like us should be doing.

this is A:LL for you.

I feel a little bit better. BUT I REALLY MISS MY FRIENDS!!!

Dad is coming soon because he broke my heart.

I might go to Salisbury to see all the beautiful people... my second family.

This semester is almost over and im a little bit stressed.

I have to take six classes in the spring and then im DONE!

I need a lot of money to satisfy my desire to travel.

Im really afraid of mullets and i realised that today.

Skipping classes is easy and if your lucky it wont hurt you.

ill think of something more creative later....

 

 

= me last night. I feel much more than you think.

WHY DOESNT EVERYONE JUST DROP ME AT ONCE!

I must be the most horrible person... because my balkan friends have decided that they cant be around me anymore.
Well hear this... I NEVER PLAYED GAMES! I WAS ALWAYS HONEST! YOU ALWAYS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! I DONT FUCK AROUND! PERIOD!

I want:

• More love! I really miss it. If I remember correctly, its really really great.
• Someone in my bed. To wake up with, tell me stories, or sing to me, or scratch my back. ANYTHING!
• Someone to hold my hand. And walk with me through the park. And maybe pick me a flower.
• Someone to kiss me. In the street. At the table. In passing.

   Sometimes... "you just need a hug" and a good friend will know when to say just that. Trust me. I really miss my good friends.

DO you know what I do?
 I have this real life where I wake up and go to school. Sometimes I even have time for a bowl of Kashi and a quick read over the WSJ. <---Why hasnt anyone stopped me yet?
I get out of class and stalk some people online... then maybe I go to work if and only if I feel like it.
I try to talk to my parents everyday and keep my 3.5 yr, long distance relationship fun.

Then around 10PM I often slap myself in the face and say "Congratulations, Michelle. You've almost wasted yet, ANOTHER day of your life! Keep it up you P.O.S."

Now im in another world. THoughts spin rapidly around my head and I question EVERTHING.  WHy did I say what i said? Why did i buy that?  Why did I wear this? Why did I wait so long to do this project? Why am i miserable? Why did he walk away?

WHY DIDNT I DO ANYTHING ABOUT ALL THIS BEFORE?

I need:

• more productive time to myself
• more goals
• more sobriety
• more activeness
• more happiness
• less insecurity
• less insanity
• less dependence
• less neediness
• less vanity

THis girl is among the saddest. I have done it to myself and I know that. Now I can never sleep, Im always wondering how real my life is, I dont understand why people dont get me, I want everything to make sense and come easily.. for 5 mins. I will dissect my life until i find the virus that is infecting everything. Once i do... I promise that Ill be more than just a bright smile and dark eyes.

Maybe i should stop smiling in pictures. that would be more of the truth.

Last night I played dress-up all by myself. My friends would be proud of the outfit I went out in. Yet another reason why I miss my southern belles. Millersville is no place for pearls and bright yellow heels, not to mention a pimp hat.
Peace

I am starting a L.J. so I can be stalked by people I love and hate.

I am... a mess of all messes.

Each day spins around the day before/after. Simply put, they are all the same.

I really miss the good life with good people around me constantly.

Today I am missing Katherine because of the weather. I remember walking through campus shooting water guns at random people. Class was unacceptable on days like these. So in remembrance of our first year of friendship, I did not go to class today. When can I see miss Kath again?

I had lunch with Remi yesterday. We people watched and poked fun. I wish we could hang out more often, so we have a date tomorrow night.

Last night I ate a large pizza with Tessa. We talked about boys and girls and the crazy things that happen between them. Love is wonderful, I think.

I miss all the southern belles, including the Northern girls who were smart enough to migrate south. All i want to do is be back in Georgia. Crystal, you and I have so much in common.Youre my favorite belle.

PS. Ive never been more alone. My true life is miserable and I just want my friends.

Where are my friends? Who are my friends? What are they doing? More importantly, what are they thinking? When will I see them again? Why cant they be with me now?